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The Cow of ‘Ism’

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

The state takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
The neighbor loses the cow and wants another one.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk for your work, instead of a paycheck.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and makes you buy the milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and puts you in prison work camp until you like the idea of buying the milk.

STATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and stores the milk.
The milk goes bad, and they throw the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN GLOBAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, to retire the debt, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You grant yourself more stock options, and later you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No accounting is provided with the release of the annual report. You then sell your bull to the public through an IPO of one of your new shell corporations.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and use your farm tractors to block the roads, because you want three cows, and you know the government will cave…

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

You announce a recall on the cows for a battery firmware issue.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You go on a camping trip with the family.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

But then you remember that it doesn’t really matter and decide to have lunch with friends.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and go get more vodka on credit.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them, while you milk the cows for big money.
The poorest people you know drive a Mercedes.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the facts.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them and go hungry.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad. You institute a news blackout, as a public service, until everyone forgets.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good. You close the office, call up your mates, and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You borrow against the cows from the Germans.
You kill the cows, make Souvlaki, and invite everyone over for a big party.
You no longer have an income stream.

You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money.
You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money.
You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money.
You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money…..

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Twitter: @nahmias_report
Editor: @ayannanahmias

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About Ayanna Nahmias

Ayanna Nahmias was interviewed on Radio Netherlands Worldwide program titled 'The State We’re In,' about her life in Africa and her determination to transcend her past. She started the Nahmias Cipher Report to provide information to readers about life in emerging economies, and to provide alternative insight into the challenges faced by women and children living in these countries. The blog features stories from around the world to inspire other people to persevere and triumph in the face of great adversity. She blogs about current events in emerging economies, international politics, human rights abuses, women’s rights and child advocacy.

View all posts by Ayanna Nahmias

6 Comments on “The Cow of ‘Ism’”

  1. juwannadoright Says:

    Reblogged this on juwannadoright and commented:
    Departing from her generally serious coverage of worldwide news, this post from The Nahmias Cipher Report provides all of us with a good laugh – and who doesn’t need a good laugh?

    Reply

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